I saw it before the ultrasound tech said anything - there was no heartbeat.
She typed "I'm sorry" on the screen and then walked my 3 year old Laurie out of the room so I could have a few minutes alone.
At 14 weeks, we learned our baby was gone. I had zero symptoms that anything was wrong.
Our hearts are heavy.
But we know that life and death are the Lord's. We are grateful for the three beautiful children we have and the uneventful pregnancies that preceded their births. We are hopeful about the future. We are hopeful in the One who holds the future.
A couple of Sundays ago, the first line of the first hymn we sang, "O Father, You are sovereign
In all the worlds You made;" Stephen and I fought back hot tears. Later I told him I wasn't crying over the loss as much as being brought deeper into understanding God's existence, Christ's work on the cross, and His conquering of death. We grieve but we are not without hope.
This God- His way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
A few resources that have meant a lot to me in these sad weeks....
I'm listening to Tim Keller's book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering. I got this book because I wanted to "speak good and deep truths to myself" in this season of acute grief. I recommend it to anyone.
Stephen's first cousin and his wife had an extremely similar experience as us (4th baby, late miscarriage) and he wrote a super insightful article for the Gospel Coalition blog : How to Mourn with the Parents of Stillborn and Miscarried Children.
The Psalms. If you are hurting, pick the Psalms over Google 10 out of 10 times.
C.S. Lewis quote: Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers
to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our
pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.